How SHOULD I Grieve?
It’s been years since the loss. Why am I still sad? Hurting? Afraid?
Whether we’ve lost a partner due to death or due to a relationship ending, not only do we experience the pain of the loss itself, but we add onto it by chastising ourselves with the barrage of shoulds.
I should be feeling okay by now.
I should be getting on with my life.
I should be busier.
I should be happier.
I should be in a better place emotionally, financially, physically.
I should be feeling better.
I shouldbe better.
What is it like to feel that you’re not doing grief the right way? That somehow you’re getting it wrong? And by getting it wrong, you will never be right again? It can be isolating, stress and anxiety-inducing, and can impact your self-confidence.
It can also cause rifts in some of your current relationships with people who also shower you with shoulds (How often have you heard: “You should meet someone”, “You should get back out there”, etc.?)
Let me tell you: There is no right way, and there is no distinct time line.
Having said that, there are some things that would be helpful for you:
Allow time to feel the loss and experience the emotions that come up.
If you feel the sorrow trying to escape, it means that it needs an outlet. A full day of doing this would be exhausting, so set aside a bit of time (each day, or as needed) to attend to that sorrow. Reminisce, cry, look at photos, name your feelings. It’s important to feel and release.
Set daily or weekly intentions for yourself
Healing comes from reintegrating into life. This doesn’t mean that you have to make grandiose decisions and drastic changes. Pressure to “be better” can be overwhelming and paralyzing. Instead, simply set an intention for your day or week. These intentions will emerge from some of the larger goals you have for yourself and your life. You want to build community? Perhaps an intention for one day would be to connect with a few strangers by saying “hello.” You want to spend more time outdoors? Set an intention that you will visit a couple of local green spaces.
Ask for what you need
Generally, people who care about you want to be helpful. Many, however, just don’t know how. It can be frustrating to perpetually hear “Just let me know what I can do.” However, some of those people genuinely mean that. They want to help you. It’s not easy to ask (especially if you’re someone who does not ask for help), but like any new habit or skill, it takes practice. Why not start with something simple?(ex. “Saturdays are hard for me. Can we meet for coffee?”). Remember: If you keep appearing that you’re okay and don’t need anything, the people around you have no way of knowing that you’re struggling. Let them know.
As for the shoulds, when they’re coming from other people, that represents discomfort in them. It has little to do with you and how you’re coping.
When they’re coming from within, thank your mind for trying to help you, and let those shoulds recede to the background
Reintegration and rebuilding does take some effort, but it also takes time. Revel in the small successes and changes you’re noticing in yourself. You’ve got this.
(Note: If you are a few years out from a loss and still struggling to live your life, not noticing any changes in your process, and continuing to experience intense feelings, you may need some help. Look for professional grief support.)
