How SHOULD I Grieve?

It’s been years since the loss. Why am I still sad? Hurting? Afraid?

Whether we’ve lost a partner due to death or due to a relationship ending, not only do we experience the pain of the loss itself, but we add onto it by chastising ourselves with the barrage of shoulds. 

I should be feeling okay by now. 

I should be getting on with my life. 

I should be busier.

I should be happier.

I should be in a better place emotionally, financially, physically. 

I should be feeling better. 

I shouldbe better.

What is it like to feel that you’re not doing grief the right way? That somehow you’re getting it wrong? And by getting it wrong, you will never be right again? It can be isolating, stress and anxiety-inducing, and can impact your self-confidence. 

It can also cause rifts in some of your current relationships with people who also shower you with shoulds (How often have you heard: “You should meet someone”, “You should get back out there”, etc.?)

Let me tell you: There is no right way, and there is no distinct time line.

Having said that, there are some things that would be helpful for you:

Allow time to feel the loss and experience the emotions that come up. 

• If you feel the sorrow trying to escape, it means that it needs an outlet. A full day of doing this would be exhausting, so set aside a bit of time (each day, or as needed) to attend to that sorrow. Reminisce, cry, look at photos, name your feelings. It’s important to feel and release.

Set daily or weekly intentions for yourself

• Healing comes from reintegrating into life. This doesn’t mean that you have to make grandiose decisions and drastic changes. Pressure to “be better” can be overwhelming and paralyzing. Instead, simply set an intention for your day or week. These intentions will emerge from some of the larger goals you have for yourself and your life. You want to build community? Perhaps an intention for one day would be to connect with a few strangers by saying “hello.” You want to spend more time outdoors? Set an intention that you will visit a couple of local green spaces. 
  

Ask for what you need

• Generally, people who care about you want to be helpful. Many, however, just don’t know how. It can be frustrating to perpetually hear “Just let me know what I can do.” However, some of those people genuinely mean that. They want to help you. It’s not easy to ask (especially if you’re someone who does not ask for help), but like any new habit or skill, it takes practice. Why not start with something simple?(ex. “Saturdays are hard for me. Can we meet for coffee?”). Remember: If you keep appearing that you’re okay and don’t need anything, the people around you have no way of knowing that you’re struggling. Let them know. 
  

As for the shoulds, when they’re coming from other people, that represents discomfort in them. It has little to do with you and how you’re coping. 

When they’re coming from within, thank your mind for trying to help you, and let those shoulds recede to the background

Reintegration and rebuilding does take some effort, but it also takes time. Revel in the small successes and changes you’re noticing in yourself. You’ve got this.

(Note: If you are a few years out from a loss and still struggling to live your life, not noticing any changes in your process, and continuing to experience intense feelings, you may need some help. Look for professional grief support.)

Forget Resolutions! Focus on your Values

Happy New Year to you!  I imagine that at the beginning of a new year you are feeling inspired to make some changes and set some goals for yourself. However, what often happens? We set specific, lofty goals that we usually maintain for about a week and a half, and then feel disappointed in ourselves for falling off our resolution wagon. 

How about taking a slightly different perspective? Instead of focusing on goals per se, which are finite and definite, focus on sprinkling into your life activities and connections that are meaningful to you. What I’m referring to are values. Unlike goals which come/go, are met/unmet, we can infuse our lives with big or small actions that help us live by our values. When we live by our values, our lives are more fulfilling and meaningful.

But, “how do I identify my values? What do I want in life? What would make me happy?” you ask. Those are lofty questions and it can feel incredibly overwhelming to find answers. 

Let me give you some suggestions of where to being answering those questions: 

• Think of a time when you felt content and felt like yourself. It could have been during a particular period of your life (ex that year I studied archeology), it could have been during a large event (eg travelling to Asia), or it could have been during a simple activity (ex baking cookies in my kitchen, hiking with my friends). 

• Identify what it was about that time/event/activity that brought you peace, joy, or that allowed you to be yourself. Was it seeing a new place? Being with certain people? Using your hands to create?

• Based on what you came up with for the previous question(s), refer to a list of values (you can simply search for “values list” and you will come up with many options) and identify which ones best represent what is important to you

• Review if you are currently living your life by your values, if you are currently engaged in activities and/or relationships that allow you to infuse those values into them

• Once you’ve identified your values you can use them to inform some of your goals if you chose to come up with a few

• Come up with activities, behaviours, types of relationships/people that will help you instill some of these values into your life 

• Keep it simple, with perhaps just one or two small changes, but all the while staying aware of what value(s) you are attempting to live by

• Once you’ve made a change, re-evaluate after a few months and check-in to see if you are feeling any more content, or at peace; if so, it may be time to expand on the change, or add new ones

• If you’re still feeling a bit lost, go back to your values; perhaps you misidentified those that are important to you, or perhaps the changes you planned were too big, and difficult to effect

• Keep your values in your awareness, check-in with them from time to time, and make intentional decisions in your life that are informed by these values

For more tips and information on working with values, you may want to check out the work of Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap.

Nesting

As I started to share with others that my marriage was ending and that I was going to be the one leaving the matrimonial home and having to rent a place, a stream of generosity poured forth to me. This generosity took the form of practical, household items being offered to me by friends and acquaintances. Among items given to me were a television, a sofa, a microwave, and a coffee table, to name a few. I could not afford to furnish my home by purchasing new items (or, even used items for that matter) so this outpouring of generosity was much appreciated and needed. Of course, I did have to supplement with items found at yard sales and local second hand stores. Being a woman of a certain age, living in a fairly affluent neighbourhood (albeit, in a rental apartment in an old house), it took some getting used to. I had not expected to be “here” at this time in my life, nestled amid gently used Ikea furniture and “vintage” finds. It felt like a step backward. 

What changed my perspective was when my youngest son commented on how cozy it felt at my place. He was right! It was cozy! It was comfortable! I now look at my surroundings with new eyes. Those Ikea shelves hold books that mean something to me, books I had learned from. The bed I have on loan is where I sleep peacefully. Those donated lamps create a soft, soothing evening atmosphere. That funky chair in the corner, that I drove an hour to get to, complements my aesthetic and I didn’t need to check in with anyone else about bringing it into my home. This is my space. My nest. It is filled with items I’ve curated or that people who care about me have supplied me with. It is full of warmth and love. And it is mine.

Create the space you want and you need. Let people help you. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Focus on what brings you joy (Colour? Scents? Plants? Lighting?).  Your home is what greets you at the end of the day. It can be a warm hug when you need it most.

Loving Yourself: More Than Just a Day at the Spa

How often have you heard that you need to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else?  Or, that you need to love yourself so that you’ll never be lonely? 

I’ve heard it too and have tried to implement it. For most, those simple words of advice are not helpful. It’s not that they are not true or accurate, it’s that many people do not know what it means to love oneself. To love oneself, to be compassionate and attentive to oneself, requires more than booking a massage, saying affirmations, and taking a mental health day away from work. As in any other change we want to make, it takes work and it takes awareness, and it’s a process. 

The process can involve a number of small changes, such as:

Addressing the self-critic

• Become aware of that voice that discredits you, that discourages you, that holds you back

• Identify where it comes from, and who in your past it belongs to

• Recognize how it controls your decisions, manipulates your conversations, and influences how you go through life

Setting boundaries

• Acquaint yourself with the signs that your boundaries are being crossed (ex. exhaustion, irritation)

• Identify what it is you really need and want, from others and from yourself

• Understand the impact of not setting boundaries and/or letting others (or yourself) push through them

Connecting with community

• Understand that you are part of the human community and are thereby not alone

• Let others know when you need help or support, then let them help and support you

Live by your values

• Identify what elements are important to you to have in your life

• Find small ways to experience those elements within your day or week

• Connect with others who can help infuse these values into your life

Recognize what self-love is not

• It is not

• Endless self indulgences to avoid painful feelings or emotional discomfort

• Perpetually putting yourself first and ignoring the needs of others

• Always speaking your mind even though it can hurt others

• Going to the spa only on your birthday

• Self-pity

Once you establish what self-love means to you, and you actively make some small changes to make it accessible, it is likely that you’ll start to feel more content, more fulfilled, and more connected.